


If This Is The House Of God, Then I Must Be The Devil

by Calamity_Hero_Awakens



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Gen, Growing Up, Guilt, Heaven & Hell, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Character Death, Prayer, Religion, Religious Content, Religious Guilt, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, Vignette, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 11:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29873652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamity_Hero_Awakens/pseuds/Calamity_Hero_Awakens
Summary: Tim didn’t know if there was a heaven or a hell but if they did exist, he knew which one he was going to.
Kudos: 5





	If This Is The House Of God, Then I Must Be The Devil

Tim didn’t know if there was a heaven or a hell but if they did exist, he knew which one he was going to. He frequently wondered what he did to upset God, if such a being even existed. Was it something he had said when he was younger that he couldn’t even remember? Did he do something so sinful to infinitely piss off the higher being that he had been considered irredeemable?

Tim recalled the first time his mother had drug him to church, snatching him out of the car by his upper arm when he said he didn't want to go. She had called him all sorts of unsavory names before putting on a smile and entering the church. Tim hadn’t understood why a being as infinitely powerful as God would live in such a crummy building and make everyone visit him once a week, especially when he wouldn't even show himself. The building he was forced to sit in every week smelled strange - musty - and was much too drafty for the winter. If there even was a god, Tim didn’t think he would spend his time in such a place.

Spending so much time in the hospital had taught Tim a lot about God, mostly about the lack of his existence. If such a high and powerful being existed, why had Tim been cursed with his mental illnesses? Why had such a loving and compassionate being left him to rot in his hospital room? Why hadn’t he answered when Tim had called out to him, begging and crying to be freed from his own personal hell? Being in the hospital had taught Tim that God did not exist; or if he did, he was not as compassionate and loving as people described him, and he was no god of Tim’s.

College had been the first place Tim had felt more like himself, though he wasn’t even sure who that was. Given the chance to be himself and find out who he was had been so freeing and he had quickly cast off the vengeful god that had been forced upon him his entire life. Of course there were people on campus that were interested in religion and there were religions classes, but nothing was being forced upon him. He was open to a new way of thinking and for the first time in his life, he could actually breathe.

It hadn’t lasted. College life had ended pretty early with Kralie’s stupid film project. Shortly before the man had given up on it and moved (not far enough away), Tim had quit school. Between his classes, Alex’s film, and his mental health deteriorating at an alarming rate, Tim was in no shape to continue going to college.

So much had happened after that, everything falling apart all too quickly though technically, the torture had stretched out over the span of several years. It was when Tim would awake in the forest or some place he had no knowledge of, that dreaded plastic mask laying beside him, that Tim would curse God, silently condemning him and everything he stood for.

Because of that, he supposed it was only fair that his final call out to God for help had gone ignored. Racing through the abandoned hallways of Benedict Hall, Tim’s feet slapped the concrete flooring hard. As he called out Jay’s name desperately, he prayed -  _ begged _ \- for God to keep him safe, to keep Jay alive long enough that he could get him out and to the hospital.

He wasn’t sure what he had done to invoke the wrath of God, but he wished he could start over. Maybe if he hadn’t upset some higher being, if he had listened to his mother and paid attention and at least  _ tried _ to live the way she had raised him, maybe things would have been different. Maybe Jay and Brian and Alex would have lived. Maybe everyone would have lived. Maybe he could have fixed everything, kept things from falling apart. He would have given himself to fix the problem, to bring everyone back.

Instead, he was alone. God was finally punishing him for the last time and Tim felt it was a just punishment. He just wished everyone hadn’t had to die for him to receive justice.


End file.
